Ask the Experts

Don't Make a Big Deal Out of My "Baby Picture"

by William Shakespeare


In response to the Folger Library's recent article, I've heard from a number of you about the "surprising" and "uncharacteristic" portrait of me that hangs in the hallowed Reading Room of the Folger. You can stop with the euphemisms. I know what you're really thinking: Shakespeare was one creepy-ass baby. I get it, I really do. In fact, the whole fuss has inspired me to learn Photoshop. I'm working on erasing all those allegorical weirdos except for topless Joy, clothing her in something cute from Lululemon and me in a cute Christmas onesie from The Gap.

The Infant Shakespeare Attended by Nature and the Passions (The Folger Shakespeare Library)

Ask the Experts

OMG: Is This A Natalie Portman I See Before Me?????

by Macbeth

How do I feel about Natalie Portman playing my Lady? Let me think for a moment . . . .  Hah! Are you serious? I am so psyched. Not psycho psyched--just regular psyched, like Zach Braff was in Garden State. Only difference is that this is Scotland, not New Jersey.

Natalie Portman! I love a crazy lady, and that funky ballerina's got it going on in the mental department! Plus she's Jewish, which is so deliciously complex for those of you who think my Lady's only about oppressing others. She's got a whole lot of pain on her c.v. so don't be an f-ing judgmental schmuck.

Ask the Experts

What a Drag it is Gettin' Old . . . . 

By WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, Greatest Writer of All Time . . . and Recent Birthday Boy!

(Huffington Post UK)

The day after my 449th birthday turned out to be a letdown. I feel like 450 is just around the corner. People are making a big deal about that biggie already, and I haven't even finished my birthday cake from yesterday.

Ask the Experts

I'm Hamlet, and I Approve Paul Giamatti Playing Me

Yale Rep's new production of Hamlet stars textbook-sad-sack Paul Giamatti as reluctant-adult me. Some reviewers have expressed discomfort with this, noting Mr. Giamatti's advanced middle-aged-ness, general plainness, and/or physical squishiness. For the record, I feel that Mr. Giamatti is the physical embodiment of all the crap I've got inside me. Crap that other productions have encased in an Adorable Hamlet or Sexy Hamlet shell, like I'm some kinda James Dean in tights. Sometimes the truth isn't pretty, people. Get used to it.

Ask the Experts

Pacino C'est Moi

By King Richard III



Lately there hath been rumors flying swiftly about, darkening the name of Al Pacino. According to the treasonous words of the Huffington Post, his younger girlfriend needed to "escort" him from a tavern because of his doddering old age. What, though she be 40 years his younger, doth this make him an invalid? I say, "Nay," and "Nay" yet again. Perchance he wishes to plant himself in her nursery, or in her spicèd nest? Of what crime can one accuse him? I myself have known the pleasures of such December-May romances, although, to be sure, I did not choose to linger in that state, preferring to turn my eye to higher ambitions and not caper about in ladies' bedchambers.

I would not flatter myself to say that he doth imitate me‚ although, to speak truth, he hath played me upon the stage. Perchance I hath mistook my shape all this time. I must run now to seek out a looking glass. Fare thee well.

Ask the Experts

If I Could Only Get My Hands On . . .  Jennifer Lawrence!

by William Shakespeare

I love a complicated heroine. I love a woman with adorable imperfections. I  love a woman who can fall big-time and then get up again.

After Sunday night's Oscar ceremonies, I've been obsessed with casting J-Law in one of my plays. Is she Beatrice, the feisty singleton who (sigh) eventually falls in love? Or is she Lavinia, doomed to tragic circumstances but weirdly plucky in her own way? Here's another: Rosalind, tromping through the Forest of Arden, looking adorable in male clothing while being so unthreateningly female in her worship of Orlando?

For any of these characters, I insist that she must do some kind of an endearing pratfall on the stage! That will be like her thing.

Ask the Experts

To Whom It May Concern:

I am applying for the job of Pope that recently has become available. My previous experience as ruler of an island qualifies me well for this post. During my tenure as Lord of All I Surveyed, I had to deal with numerous unpleasant incidents including accusations of usurpation by a witch and civil uprisings by disgruntled employees. Through the use of my magic staff, I was able to squelch all of these potentially disruptive Public Relations challenges, and my reputation through all of these tumultuous events remained spotless.

Did I mention my magic staff? I do have my own, as well as a handsome robe, so you would not need to waste your funds on my Papal costume.

Should you wish to contact me for an interview, I can be reached by return bottle message.

Yours,
Prospero

Ask the Experts

Our Top Five Favorite Books to Read on Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!

By Juliet and Ophelia

1. Candy Apple #7: Totally Crushed

2. How to Drive Your Family Crazy on Valentine's Day

3. Crush: Stories by Ellen Conford

4. Boyfriend Game: Sweet Valley Twins

5. Mushy: The Complete Book of Valentine Words

Ask the Experts

Ten Modern Things That Please Me

by the newly exhumed King Richard III

1. Pilates

2. Chewy Calcium Supplements

3. Match.com

4. ATMs

5. Survivor

6. Sour Patch Kids

7. Twilight Saga

8. Marilyn Manson

9. Aspirin

10. Cars

Ask the Experts

Dear Weird Sisters:

I'm hosting a SuperBowl party on Sunday and am wondering what I should cook. I just love what you gals throw together in that cauldron of yours. Care to share?

Sincerely,
Out of Ideas in the 'Burbs

Dear Out of Ideas:

We'd love to share our secret ingredients with you, but then we'd have to kill you. (Just kidding!) We know how hard it is to bust out of the Nachos slump, and pride ourselves on serving up exciting edibles that you won't find anywhere else. Here's something we cooked up for the Succubi vs. Incubi Bowl last year. It was a real hit! And the best part is, you can put it in the pot in the morning, and run errands while it's bubbling and stewing. If you want to lighten it up a bit for those demons who are watching their waistline, just replace the black cat fat with some lizard gizzards.

Weird Sisters' 3-Organ Meat-Lovers Chili

2 pounds unbaptized flesh (any kind you like)
1 liver of a blasphemer
5 eyes of newt
1 pound Kidney "beans"
4 ozs. black cat fat
2 tsp. bone marrow powder
1 tsp. dried mandrake root, grated
2 tsp. hot pepper sauce
1 cup bat whiskers, finely minced

Place all ingredients in cauldron over low fire and let simmer for 12 hours. Garnish with mummified toenails and enjoy!

Ask the Experts

Why I Love the Australian Open

By Macbeth


The Australian Open hath murdered sleep. But I mean this as a good thing!

A few months ago, the Weird Sisters told me that I would become "the winner Down Under," which I'd interpreted as "winner of the Australian Open." I therefore started to train as a professional tennis player, which was challenging as I'd never actually played tennis before.

Then it was time for me to fly to Melbourne, which I did using one of the Witches' brooms. In Melbourne, no one seemed to care about my special prophecy.

Though personally shunned, I developed Australian Open fever. And the prophecy was correct: turns out that I was destined to win a drinking game at a local pub--while "down under" the table in a puddle of local beer.

Ask the Experts

Op-Ed
by Henry VIII, King and Supreme Head of the Church of England

I have been following Sen. Rand Paul's political dealings of late with neutrality and occasional interest. While I found his commitment to cutting off funds to the populace admirable, I have decided that he must now be beheaded for his latest comments against King Obama.* 

His crimes stand as follows: (I.) Paul's name is Paul, a clear sign that he is more loyal to the Popish Saints than to his rightful King. (II.) Spies of the realm confirm  that his degree in the science of the eye is a cover for his rampant dealings in witchcraft. On Tuesday eve last, he was spotted carrying a jar of eyeballs to a meeting with one Hazel B. Witchy at the Sign of the Newt tavern. (III.) Paul frequently attends meetings of the Tea Party: tea comes from the godless nations of the East. He is both a heretic and a heathen (see #I.) (IV.) He has three sons, which pisseth me off.

*(CNN) - Saying President Barack Obama is acting like a "king" by threatening to take executive action on gun laws, Kentucky Republican Sen. Rand Paul cautioned the president to be ready for a fight on Capitol Hill.

"I'm against having a king," he said Tuesday in an interview in Jerusalem with the Christian Broadcasting Network. "I think having a monarch is what we fought the American Revolution over and someone who wants to bypass the Constitution, bypass Congress - that's someone who wants to act like a king or a monarch."

Ask the Experts

Pregnancy is Very Different Now, I'm Just Saying

by Hermione, former accused adulteress and current Director of Wellness at Healthworks Sicilia

Oh, sure, now pregnancy is trendy. Now that the sight of a baby bump doesn't scream CUCKOLD to your possessive husband because of modern technology that checks DNA and all that.

It wasn't always cool to be pregnant. The bump wasn't just some go-to move for reality show people with time on their hands and no future projects in the pipeline.  I will not name names. You people know who you are.

Let's just say someone named . . . oh, I don't know . . . Kimye Westashian . . . wanted to brand herself as a respectable lady after she'd already successfully branded herself as a pole-dancing cheeseball. What to do? I won't get graphic, but apparently it's that easy.

Au contraire, I found that pregnancy re-branded me as a slut with a bastard child. Isn't that funny? Not funny-haha, Kimye. I hear you laughing.

Ask the Experts

MLA CONVENTION EDITION 
by King Richard III, special correspondent

Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer! 'Tis that wonderfully fraught time of year when English professors in search of recognition and graduate students in search of employment gather from around the globe to bathe in the sweat of their own anxiety at the annual Modern Language Association convention. I shall be reporting from there for the rest of the week as I seek to rattle the convention-goers' confidence and forge false alliances.

I confess I was both intrigued and enraged by the 6 items listed under "Policies"in the Convention Program. I take issue in particular with #5, "Reading in Absentia," a practice that is not encouraged. Some of my greatest victories have been won when other people served as my puppets. Clearly, this is a gesture meant to discriminate against those of us who prefer to manipulate appearances.

On the other hand, I am greatly pleased by policy #3, "Fragrance." Attendees must refrain "from using scented products." In this way, they will "ensure the comfort of everyone at the convention." Well done! All the better to smell the fear, disappointment, and loathing emanating from those insecure interpreters of literature and would-be shifters of paradigms. I intend to be the first one there Thursday morning at the Boston Sheraton and the last to leave on Sunday. My kingdom for a crowded room and a broken elevator!

Ask the Experts

Top 10 Things to Take With You to Your Bunker on Friday When the World Ends
by Juliet Capulet

So I was insta-gramming with my BFF today, and she totally reminded me that the end of the world is coming, like, in two days. And I was, like, OMG, I am so not packed. And then she was, like, "Juliet, it's not like there's going to be anyone there since your dad owns the bunker and he hates, like, everyone pretty much," and then I was, like, "Yuh," so then I was, like, "Maybe I should still pack some things in case Paris or Romeo figure out a way to slip in under the sliding rock wall." But then I was, like, "Ew, no way, because they'd probably have, like, nuclear damage and be gross."

But anyway I was thinking about how I can't take too much stuff with me, so if I'm going to bring 10 things, they are:

1) Taylor Swift "Love Song" video
2) Mirror
3) The Nurse (because I am sooo not making my own bed just because it's the end of the world)
4) Lip gloss
5) Ex-lax
6) New Direction poster
7) Uggs
8) Skinnygirl Margarita mix
9) itouch 5 (in case Taylor dies and Harry Styles survives and he, like, needs to call me)
10) push-up bra

Ask the Experts

It's 12/12/12? Whatever.

By Hamlet, Prince of Denmark and Founder of Melancholics Anonymous

Full disclosure: I don't set my life at a a pin's fee, so all this talk about the world ending doesn't faze me a bit.

I've considered the possibility that the afterlife might be an undiscovered country that sucks more than Denmark (if that's even possible), but speculation can make you crazy. As in, not pretending to be crazy, but crazy crazy for real.

When the Everyday Shakespeare ladies (middle-aged women who are, by definition, untrustworthy) asked me to contribute my thoughts on 12-12-12, I felt tormented by the predicament. I decided to stage a play about two women who steal their husbands'  money and perform acts of cuckoldry on 12-12-12. The ladies did not react in any notable way.

Next, I staged another 12-12-12 play in which two women stop caring about their husbands and their sons and start partying excessively. Again, no reaction. Unlike some other people I know, these ladies don't crack.

My conclusion is that 12-12-12 is insignificant. It's just another day where I have my convictions and no one understands me. 

Ask the Experts

What To Expect When You're Expecting: The Royal Edition

We here at Everydayshakespeare are, of course, thrilled that Will and Kate are expecting. While Michelle and I are pregnancy veterans, we thought that Kate's unique situation deserved some unique advice from our panel of royal mothers. Ladies?

Lady Macbeth: Let me start off by saying that I resent the entire idea of this panel. It's this kind of  utero-centric thinking that has kept perfectly legitimate women like me from getting the respect and power they deserve. If I have to hear one more word about my husband's "barren scepter," I'm going to fu*&%$!-ing kill myself.

Gertrude: That's so sad. I feel so sorry for you. I just loved every single blessed second of my pregnancy! I wish I could have stayed pregnant forever. Only then I wouldn't have been able to experience the joys of breastfeeding! I'm so glad that I hired an artist to recreate ever moment of it all. Would anyone like to see my scrapbook? I have it right here! Oh, look, there's one of my dilated cervix! And there's one of me expressing milk into a chalice to be delivered to Hammy in Wittenberg!

Duchess of York: Good God. My advice to Kate is that she makes sure her midwife knows what she's doing. My son, Richard, was a breech delivery, and, let me tell you, you do not want to have a child born feet first. Trust me. Also, if he's born with teeth and hair just do yourself a favor and find someone willing to swap their baby. Everyone has a price.

Hermione: Kate's lucky she's having a baby after they've invented DNA tests. She thinks she has it bad having to stay in a hospital for a few days because she's nauseous? Try giving birth in prison because your husband thinks you're a whore!

Lady Macbeth: Here we go with the martyr routine again.

Thaisa: You want to have a mommy martyr smack-down? Because you know I would win that one, Hermione. I had to give birth at sea in the middle of a storm, and I actually did die (unlike some pretenders here).

Hermione: Oh, really? You want to go there? At least you got to hang out in a temple with a bunch of other women once you got revived. I had to spend 16 years in that stalker Paulina's house!

Thaisa: You wouldn't have lasted 16 minutes in a temple full of vestal virgins.

Hermione: What's that supposed to mean?

Everydayshakespeare: Well, that's all we have time for, ladies. Thanks for the insight. I think.

Ask the Experts

Demi Moore is a Role Model 

By Tamora, former Queen of the Goths and author of the acclaimed self-help book Don't' Be Ashamed to Use Your Sexuality At Any Age

Do you dare judge Demi Moore for wooing this 26-yr-old art dealer? Does the thought of Demi Moore and this 26-yr-old making the beast with two backs churn thy stomach? Well then, let me guess: YOU are a bitter, jealous middle-aged shrew with a paunch!

Demi Moore is the epitome of female sexual power and political authority. She is not president of a first-world country only because she has chosen other life options such as purchasing a ranch and participating in Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle.

And that's why I am officially changing my name to Demi Tamora.

Ask the Experts

How to Survive Thanksgiving With Your Bourgeois, Materialist "Family"
By Hamlet, philosophy student, Wittenberg University

It's that time of year again when all higher thought must be suspended. And for what? For the appearance of familial loyalty and love and the consumption of flesh and more flesh. All to create even more flesh. So that we can all die and rot in our fleshy flesh, be eaten by worms, and then shat out the other side.

But I digress. If you, like me, are dreading this annual plunge into the abyss of the "nuclear" "family," perchance you will appreciate my hard-won words of wisdom on how to survive this faux imperial colonialist holiday:

1) When your mother starts asking about your love life, tell her you're screwing your roommate Bernardo. Shuts 'em up every time.

2) When your step-father tries to bond with you, tell him you'd love to go hunting with him later. Alone.

3) When they try to make you eat their grotesque baked meats, do it, and then vomit all over your mother that night while she's getting ready to go into her sweat-inseamed bed.

4) When it's time for pie, bring in a band of players to put on the last scene of Titus Andronicus.

"Happy" holidays.

Ask the Experts

Caroline's Darkness: What Does It Mean? 

By William Shakespeare
Master of the Double and Triple Entendre

You may ask: Why is Caroline still without power? Why is she still in the dark when most of her friends in the area never lost power? What does it all mean?

The obvious read would be that Caroline has an inner darkness, even as her exterior world shines brightly.  Another obvious read would be that Caroline is currently struggling with some kind of moral indecision. You may remember that I did a big thing on that with Macbeth.

But honestly, I don't think that any of that fancy symbolic/metaphoric blahbiddyblah is going on with Caroline.  My interpretation is that she's just screwed.