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How to Survive Thanksgiving With Your Bourgeois, Materialist "Family"
By Hamlet, philosophy student, Wittenberg University

It's that time of year again when all higher thought must be suspended. And for what? For the appearance of familial loyalty and love and the consumption of flesh and more flesh. All to create even more flesh. So that we can all die and rot in our fleshy flesh, be eaten by worms, and then shat out the other side.

But I digress. If you, like me, are dreading this annual plunge into the abyss of the "nuclear" "family," perchance you will appreciate my hard-won words of wisdom on how to survive this faux imperial colonialist holiday:

1) When your mother starts asking about your love life, tell her you're screwing your roommate Bernardo. Shuts 'em up every time.

2) When your step-father tries to bond with you, tell him you'd love to go hunting with him later. Alone.

3) When they try to make you eat their grotesque baked meats, do it, and then vomit all over your mother that night while she's getting ready to go into her sweat-inseamed bed.

4) When it's time for pie, bring in a band of players to put on the last scene of Titus Andronicus.

"Happy" holidays.