Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Ask the Experts

What To Expect When You're Expecting: The Royal Edition

We here at Everydayshakespeare are, of course, thrilled that Will and Kate are expecting. While Michelle and I are pregnancy veterans, we thought that Kate's unique situation deserved some unique advice from our panel of royal mothers. Ladies?

Lady Macbeth: Let me start off by saying that I resent the entire idea of this panel. It's this kind of  utero-centric thinking that has kept perfectly legitimate women like me from getting the respect and power they deserve. If I have to hear one more word about my husband's "barren scepter," I'm going to fu*&%$!-ing kill myself.

Gertrude: That's so sad. I feel so sorry for you. I just loved every single blessed second of my pregnancy! I wish I could have stayed pregnant forever. Only then I wouldn't have been able to experience the joys of breastfeeding! I'm so glad that I hired an artist to recreate ever moment of it all. Would anyone like to see my scrapbook? I have it right here! Oh, look, there's one of my dilated cervix! And there's one of me expressing milk into a chalice to be delivered to Hammy in Wittenberg!

Duchess of York: Good God. My advice to Kate is that she makes sure her midwife knows what she's doing. My son, Richard, was a breech delivery, and, let me tell you, you do not want to have a child born feet first. Trust me. Also, if he's born with teeth and hair just do yourself a favor and find someone willing to swap their baby. Everyone has a price.

Hermione: Kate's lucky she's having a baby after they've invented DNA tests. She thinks she has it bad having to stay in a hospital for a few days because she's nauseous? Try giving birth in prison because your husband thinks you're a whore!

Lady Macbeth: Here we go with the martyr routine again.

Thaisa: You want to have a mommy martyr smack-down? Because you know I would win that one, Hermione. I had to give birth at sea in the middle of a storm, and I actually did die (unlike some pretenders here).

Hermione: Oh, really? You want to go there? At least you got to hang out in a temple with a bunch of other women once you got revived. I had to spend 16 years in that stalker Paulina's house!

Thaisa: You wouldn't have lasted 16 minutes in a temple full of vestal virgins.

Hermione: What's that supposed to mean?

Everydayshakespeare: Well, that's all we have time for, ladies. Thanks for the insight. I think.

No comments:

Post a Comment