Oscar ain't just a wiener at Safeway. Read our screenplay of the never-before-on-the-big-screen All's Well That Ends Well and help send the everyday moms to Hollywood!
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL
written by Caroline Bicks and Michelle Ephraim
based on the play by William Shakespeare
The Pitch:
A love-struck physician’s daughter heals the King of France and is granted the man of her dreams, only to face her biggest challenge when she must trick him into bed to keep him. Forced to transform herself into a master of sexual deception, she discovers who she really is and what she really wants.
The Scene:
Here's an excerpt: Helena, barred from her husband Bertram's bed, yet told by him that he won't claim her as his wife until she has his child, hatches a plan to accomplish the impossible. Diana, another of Bertram's casualties, joins with Helena to trick him.
INT. WIDOW’S LODGINGS - HELENA’S ROOM - THAT NIGHT
TWO SHOT - HELENA AND DIANA
stand side by side, identically dressed. Helena’s hair is up; Diana’s is down.
HELENA
Tonight let us assay our plot,
which if it speed, is wicked
meaning in a lawful deed, and
lawful meaning in a lawful act,
where both not sin, and yet a
sinful fact.
Helena retrieves her father’s wooden box from her desk, opens it, and takes out his book. She opens it to a certain page and hands it to Diana who sits on the bed.
HELENA (CONT’D)
When I was very young, I stole
glances at this story. I knew it
was not for my eyes, although then
I did not grasp its meaning.
DIANA
Thornapples?
(reading from the book)
“The east Indian lascivious women
perform strange acts with the seed,
giving it to their husbands to drink."
Diana stops.
DIANA (CONT’D)
This is a fine bedtime story for a
pair of virgin maids.
The women look at each other and burst into nervous laughter. Helena gestures for her to keep reading.
DIANA (CONT’D)
The whole plant, but especially the
seed, is of a very cold and
soporiferous quality, procuring
sleep and distraction of senses. A
few of the seeds steeped and given
in drink, will cause them that take
it to seem stark drunk or dead
drunk, which fit will within a few
hours wear away.” You think it necessary?
HELENA
The more distracted his senses, the
more protected we will be: you, by
your chaste absence, and I, by my
shadowy presence.
Helena nods her head and takes a small pouch from her pocket. She pours three seeds from it into Diana’s hand.
INSERT - THREE SMALL BROWN SEEDS RESTING IN DIANA’S PALM
BACK TO SCENE
Diana puts seeds in her pocket.
DIANA
Then let’s about it.
Diana gives Helena a hug and exits the room. Helena turns to face the mirror. She takes her hair down and stares at herself. The moment reminds her of her wedding night: How much has changed since then.
HELENA
O strange men that can such sweet
use make of what they hate, when
saucy trusting of the cozened
thoughts defiles the pitchy night;
so lust doth play with what it loathes.
INT. DUKE'S PALACE - BERTRAM’S ROOM - SAME NIGHT
Bertram admires himself in the mirror, smells his armpits, combs his hair back. Dumaine watches him getting ready. SOMEONE KNOCKS on the door. It is a MESSENGER, who enters and hands Bertram a letter.
MESSENGER
From Lord Lafew in Paris, your Honor.
The Messenger leaves. Bertram opens the letter. Smiles, then begins to laugh out loud. Dumaine snatches the letter from him, reads it, and laughs along with him.
INT. WIDOW’S LODGINGS - DIANA'S ROOM - SAME NIGHT
The room is quite dark, lit only with a few candles. Two goblets sit on the bedside table. Diana sits on her bed, nervous.
She starts at the sound of LADDER’S THWACK near the window.
Bertram’s face appears at the window, smiling. She goes to open it.
Bertram climbs inside with a gallant flourish, and immediately smothers her hands with kisses. She stops him and looks in his eyes.
DIANA
You have won a wife of me.
BERTRAM
A heaven on earth I have won by
wooing thee.
She leads him shyly to the bed, and hands him a goblet. She takes the other. They toast each other and drink.
BERTRAM’S POV - DIANA
starts to look like two people.
SERIES OF SHOTS
Bertram’s surreal experience in Diana’s bedroom.
Bertram squeezes his eyes as if in pain and rubs at his face.
His ears ring with ECHOING WOMEN’S VOICES. He tries to shake his head clear.
Bertram, pinned to the bed as the room starts to spin.
Out of the blur, a woman’s dark form appears, moving toward him.
Bertram, fighting nausea, manages to unbuckle his pants.
Bertram’s face, eyes shut, teeth clenched sweating profusely.
A woman’s face, covered with her long hair, hovers over Bertram’s.
Bertram’s hand reaches toward her face, but she stays just out of his reach.
She gently covers his hand with hers so that he can’t push her hair off her face.
Female hands caressing Bertram’s shaking hands and slipping a ring onto his finger.
We hear DIANA’S VOICE WHISPERING "ARE YOU SURE?"
The room goes dark for Bertram. He's passed out.
INT. DIANA'S BEDROOM - AN HOUR LATER
It is eerily quiet. Bertram lies in bed, passed out. His eyes pop open, he gasps, and his whole body jumps. What has just happened to him?
He looks around the room, the bed, but no one is there. He gets himself to the edge of the bed, but is still dizzy and clearly sore.
Panicked, he removes the bed covers and sees that his pants are down. He gasps in horror at his erect penis, then jumps up, fumbling around for his clothes. He grabs what he can find, and runs from the room in terror.
