Ask the Experts

Op-Ed
by Henry VIII, King and Supreme Head of the Church of England

I have been following Sen. Rand Paul's political dealings of late with neutrality and occasional interest. While I found his commitment to cutting off funds to the populace admirable, I have decided that he must now be beheaded for his latest comments against King Obama.* 

His crimes stand as follows: (I.) Paul's name is Paul, a clear sign that he is more loyal to the Popish Saints than to his rightful King. (II.) Spies of the realm confirm  that his degree in the science of the eye is a cover for his rampant dealings in witchcraft. On Tuesday eve last, he was spotted carrying a jar of eyeballs to a meeting with one Hazel B. Witchy at the Sign of the Newt tavern. (III.) Paul frequently attends meetings of the Tea Party: tea comes from the godless nations of the East. He is both a heretic and a heathen (see #I.) (IV.) He has three sons, which pisseth me off.

*(CNN) - Saying President Barack Obama is acting like a "king" by threatening to take executive action on gun laws, Kentucky Republican Sen. Rand Paul cautioned the president to be ready for a fight on Capitol Hill.

"I'm against having a king," he said Tuesday in an interview in Jerusalem with the Christian Broadcasting Network. "I think having a monarch is what we fought the American Revolution over and someone who wants to bypass the Constitution, bypass Congress - that's someone who wants to act like a king or a monarch."