Ask the Experts

Pregnancy is Very Different Now, I'm Just Saying

by Hermione, former accused adulteress and current Director of Wellness at Healthworks Sicilia

Oh, sure, now pregnancy is trendy. Now that the sight of a baby bump doesn't scream CUCKOLD to your possessive husband because of modern technology that checks DNA and all that.

It wasn't always cool to be pregnant. The bump wasn't just some go-to move for reality show people with time on their hands and no future projects in the pipeline.  I will not name names. You people know who you are.

Let's just say someone named . . . oh, I don't know . . . Kimye Westashian . . . wanted to brand herself as a respectable lady after she'd already successfully branded herself as a pole-dancing cheeseball. What to do? I won't get graphic, but apparently it's that easy.

Au contraire, I found that pregnancy re-branded me as a slut with a bastard child. Isn't that funny? Not funny-haha, Kimye. I hear you laughing.