Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL

Will Andy Murray win Wimbledon this year? Fingers are crossed!

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE

"[T]hy head stands so tickle on
thy shoulders that a milkmaid, if she be in love,
may sigh it off." (Measure for Measure, 1.2.264-6)

INTERPRETATION

Do you mean that I'm close to being beheaded? Or is it this a figurative way of saying that I'm going to lose my head if Andy Murray doesn't win? Or if he does win? And what if you're talking about Andy Murray's head? Are you saying that the English will go medieval on him if he doesn't get the win? Shake-Ball, you've created more questions than you've answered.

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

Why are sectional sofas so expensive?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

BIRON: What time o' day?

ROSALINE: The hour that fools should ask.

BIRON: Now fair befall your mask!

ROSALINE: Fair fall the face it covers!

--Love's Labor's Lost, 2.1

INTERPRETATION:

Girl and boy flirting. Girl plays hard to get. I think this means that it's human nature to want someone (or some thing, like a sectional) more if it's out of reach. Exactly. 

Magic Shake-Ball

Question:

How many IQ points are my kids losing per episode of "Dance Moms" watched? (Did I mention that we had a snow day last Friday?)

Answer:

"Ay me! I see the ruin of my house." (Richard III 2.4.49)

Interpretation:

Yeah. I thought this wasn't gong to go our way.

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

When will all this "Cannibal Cop" stuff be out of the news? I feel like I'm gonna vom all the time.

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

"So much was his pleasure should be
proclaimed."

--The Herald, after Othello and Desdemona's marriage ceremony, announcing Othello's command to get the party started (Othello 2.2).

INTERPRETATION:

Oh, great. That's a fun relationship. Another dud of a dude.

Here's my takeaway: Some people's pleasures shouldn't be proclaimed, but they just are anyway. Bleh.

Magic Shake-Ball

Dear Magic Shake-Ball:

The MLS listing went up today. Is anyone going to buy my house?

Answer:

"It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks: the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn-buttock, or any buttock." (All's Well That Ends Well 2.2.17-19)

Interpretation:

Hmmm ... a little buttock humor. Sometimes I forget just how timeless you are, Shake-Ball. I'm going to overlook the fact that you're basically comparing my home to an ass-warmer. Instead, I'm going to focus on the positive message here: This home fits a lot of potential buttyers !

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

When the [expletive] is this snow gonna melt?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

The red wine must first rise
In their fair cheeks, my lord; then we shall have 'em
Talk us to silence.
--Henry VIII, 1.4.53-5

INTERPRETATION:

The red wine has already risen in many a fat cheek, Shake-Ball. And there's been plenty of talking, too. And yelling and screaming, etc. Don't you remember the three days we spent trapped in the house?
 

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

Was it a mistake to quit my gym?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

"Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!
For such as we are made of, such we be."
--Twelfth Night, 2.2.28-9

INTERPRETATION:

Ah, the cross-dressed Viola (as Ceasario) lamenting how easily Olivia has fallen in love with her male disguise! Does her comment about the haste with which women fall head over heels also apply to my hasty decision to quit the gym? Is my frail state the cause of my disinclination to work on my core, thus making my quitting inevitable? Or is it that because of my frail state, I need to work even more on my core and rejoin the gym? I'm getting exhausted just thinking about the interpretive possibilities!

Magic Shake-Ball

Dear Magic Shake-Ball:

I have a friend who was wondering if she should Facebook "friend" the French boy who kissed her in a discotheque when she was 16. She isn't 100% positive it's him since he's 47 now. Plus, she may have been drinking a little bit too much when she saw his profile picture. Okay, and maybe also when she was 16.

Answer:

Fie, fie, they are not to be named, my lord,
Not to be spoke of;
There is not chastity enough in language
Without offense to utter them. Thus, pretty lady,
I am sorry for thy much misgovernment.

(Much Ado About Nothing 4.1.95-99)

Interpretation:

Look,   I  she didn't actually "friend" him, okay? She does have some boundaries. Sheesh. She'll appreciate the "pretty" compliment though.

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

Should I watch Oprah's interview with Lance Armstrong later this week?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:
"And yet not cloy thy lips with loathed satiety,
But rather famish them amid their plenty"--Venus and Adonis

INTERPRETATION:

Oooooh, interesting! Venus' pitch to Adonis that she can really mix it up in the saddle . . . This seems to augur sensational dirt of all varieties. Shake-Ball, I will be tuning in.

Magic Shake-Ball

Dear Magic Shake-Ball:

I know that I should watch "Downton Abbey," because everyone keeps talking about it, but I kind of don't want to. What should I do?

Answer:

"Haste thee for thy life."
(King Lear 5.3.225)

Interpretation:

Okay, it's just a TV show, Shake-Ball. But now you're making me paranoid. Am I going to be socially exiled if I don't get on this bandwagon?

Answer:

"therefore on, or strip your sword stark naked, for meddle you must, that's certain."
(Twelfth Night 3.4.223-24)

Interpretation:

Okay, okay. Cool your jests. I'll give it a shot.

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:
How many resolutions should I make this year?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:
"But why, why, why?"
--Antony and Cleopatra 3.7.2

INTERPRETATION:
I'm not sure that's an answer, Shake-Ball. Or is that your little round voice wondering why people bother with resolutions in the first place? Sheesh, you're a pessimist.

Magic Shake-Ball

Dear Magic Shake-Ball:

Is "Bouche de Noel" French for "Kiss my ever-expanding holiday ass?"

Answer:

"Oh, my offense is rank. It smells to heaven."

(Hamlet 3.3. 37)

Interpretation:

Merry Christmas to you, too, Shake-Ball.

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

When will the holiday cards I ordered arrive?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

"For if we too be one and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted by thy contagion"
--The Comedy of Errors, 2.2.136-8

INTERPRETATION: 

Wow. I was just worried about the holiday cards, and now you've got me thinking about adultery . . . and venereal diseases. Thanks a lot, Shake-Ball.

Magic Shake-Ball

Dear Magic Shake-Santa:

If I'm very good this year, will one of my students bring me hash brownies?

Answer:

My lord, to step out of these dreary dumps,
How comes it that the subtle Queen of Goths
Is of a sudden thus advanced in Rome?

(Titus Andronicus 1.1.399-401)

Interpretation:

I'm not sure what you're implying, Shake-Santa, but I would never, say, advance someone to an "A" for doing something as subtle as sneaking hash brownies into my classroom (Campion Hall, Room 123, TTH 12:00-1:30, p.s. I don't like nuts).

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

What the #&$$$ is wrong with my iPhone??????

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

You see, my lord, how ample you're beloved.

--Timon of Athens 1.2.130

INTERPRETATION:

First of all, I'm a lady, not a lord. And second, this trip to the Apple store has proven me anything but beloved. I am an anonymous consumer whose entire life depends on the attentions of The Expert at the Genius Bar (or whatever they call someone who can fix your #%$$! phone in Apple-speak). 

No, I do not see, Shake-Ball. Not one bit. 

Magic Shake-Ball

Three separate students from my gender theory course emailed me the link to this FoxNews Editorial yesterday by Susan Venker on how there's a war on men, and feminists have ruined marriage because no one wants to marry us now because women aren't women anymore. Oh, and also it's in men's DNA to want to protect and provide for their families, and women need to give themselves over to their true natures and let them do it.

Well thank God someone finally said it. Whew. Now I can quit my job, kick back, and practice my geisha moves. Sweet. Thanks, Susan Venker.

My question for the Shake-Ball is:  How can I become the kind of woman a man would want to marry after all these years of trying to be a man? Also, does this mean my husband isn't a man?

Answer:

"Look for no less than death." (The Winter's Tale 3.2.91)

Interpretation:

Well, given that this is Leontes accusing his wife of cuckolding him, it looks like I have in fact emasculated my husband and, were this 1611 and he were a king, I would be dead. Also, I think I'm going to have to shut myself in a room for 16 years before we can get back together in a more purified state. Well that blows.

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

How will all this conflict in the Middle East get resolved, Shake-Ball?

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

"My talk to thee must be how Benedick
Is sick in love with Beatrice"

--Much Ado About Nothing (3.1.20-1)

INTERPRETATION:

So, you're going to blow me off? Talk to me only of gossip and crushes and trivialities? That's so harsh and condescending, Shake-Ball. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm going to listen to the New York Times instead of you for once.

Magic Shake-Ball

Dear Magic Shake-Ball:

What if Henry VIII had had to abide by the Uniform Code of Military Justice? Would he have sent topless paintings of himself to Ann Boleyn anyway?

Answer:

"Fie on sinful fantasy!
Fie on lust and luxury!
Lust is but a bloody fire.
Kindled with unchaste desire ...
Pinch him, fairies, mutually,
Pinch him for his villainy."

(Merry Wives of Windsor 5.5.90-97)

Interpretation:

Yeah. I don't think pinching would have really stopped him. He'd eat those fairies for breakfast. With a rich sauce and a gallon of malmsey.

Magic Shake-Ball

Election 2012 Special Prediction

Okay, Shake-Ball, this one's for all the marbles (or at least 270 of them). Who's it gonna be?

Answer:

"By the North Pole, I do challenge thee."
                          (Loves Labour's Lost 5.2.678)

Interpretation:

That sounds like an Obama victory to me! GO NORTH! Either that, or Santa Claus is going to screw this whole thing up.

Magic Shake-Ball

QUESTION FOR MAGIC SHAKE-BALL:

What is the average amount of television watched by children who've been home for the past two days because of Frankenstorm school closings? Would 8-10 hours be about right? Or maybe even a bit more? Um, just wondering.

MAGIC SHAKE-BALL'S RESPONSE:

What magic action, stood it next to death,
Would I not undergo for one calm look!

--The Two Gentlemen of Verona, 5.4.41-2

INTERPRETATION:

The context of this quotation is a dude pining for a woman. The takeaway here, I believe, is the theme of desperation. Which leads me to believe that the answer is more like 12+ hours. Yay!