Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Ask the Experts

Richard III and Lady Macbeth review "Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-- Part I"

Lady M: Well, Dick, that was quite a night last night. I haven't been that turned on since I killed a pair of chickens with my bare hands.

R3: Well, ahem, yes. I agree. About the movie. But it took an hour to get past all that useless wedding frippery. Do I need to see Bella learning how to walk in high heels? No. I need to see packs of wolves turning on each other and ripping out their brothers' throats. Metaphorically speaking.

Lady M: Look, Dick, I'm with you. I didn't pay good money to watch an 18-year-old stare at herself in a mirror. I don't care how great her hair is. Although, you have to admit, that dream sequence where she sees herself and Edward standing on that bleeding heap of corpses at their wedding was rock solid.

R3: Yessss. Yes it was.

LadyM: Now let's talk about what we know everyone wants to hear about: the vampire sex. It turn out, vampires and humans can do it without anyone dying, but, for Christ's sake, you'd think the guy could have given her a little bit of foreplay. Wham, bam, break the bed with his undead manhood, and then fade to morning. BO-RING.

R3: Although it did lead to her fast-growing demonic pregnancy which, I must say, I enjoyed thoroughly.

LadyM: Why? Because it reminded you of your mother?

R3: What are you talking about?

LadyM: Come on, Dick, we're all friends here. We all know about the hair and the teeth and how you ripped your mother's—

R3: Shut your hole, witch!

LadyM: Oooh, Richard. I love it when you talk rough to me.

R3: Well, er, I—

LadyM: Anyhow, it was definitely worth sitting through all that insipid dialogue to get to that crazy birth scene. Did you see how Edward just started ripping that thing out of her with his teeth? Hottie hot hot. That made Macduff getting untimely ripped from his mother's womb look like a spa day.

I give this film 5 bloody daggers!

No comments:

Post a Comment