Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Ask the Experts

The Real Housewives of Shakespeare, episode 8 ("Take my Milk for Prada")

Scene: Lady Macbeth decides to treat her "friends" to a spa day at her castle. Goneril and Regan, sisters and former child stars, are invited, along with the anorexic and abused Hermione, the witheringly proper Lady Capulet, and "new girl"/outcast Jessica.

Lady M: Welcome, ladies. You have to try my facial machine. It cost me an arm and a leg. Literally!

[They all laugh. Regan chokes on a foie gras mushroom cap and runs into the bathroom]

Goneril: Well, I'll take a facial. I'll take any edge I can get. Edmund—I mean, Albany—likes my skin to be baby soft.

Hermione (weeping): Baby? B-b-b-baby?

Lady Capulet: Nicely done, Goneril.

Goneril: Oh, come on. She lost that kid like 16 years ago! I got a bad botox job last month, but you don't see me crying about that anymore, do you? And who knows how many kids Lady M.'s lost? You don't see her bawling every time I mention a baby, do you?

Lady M: Look, this is my party, okay? You're all supposed to be relaxing. Have a drink, eat some red velvet cake, and put a sock in it. Who wants a pedicure?

Regan (emerging from the bathroom): I do. My Edmund—I mean, Cornwall—loves my feet to be baby soft.

Hermione: B-b-b-baby?

Lady M: Okay, everyone, game time! Goneril, Regan, and Jessica, you're on Team 1; Cappy, Hermione and I are on Team 2.

Regan (whispering loudly to Goneril): I so don't want her on our team.

Jessica: I can hear you, you know.

Goneril: What? What did you say? Did you just attack my sister?

Jessica: No. I...I...

Regan: Bring it, bitch!

Goneril: Yeah, bring it!

Jessica: I ... I....Why are you being so mean to me?

Regan: Maybe we just don't like you kind.

Jessica: Jewish?

Regan: No. Fat.

Jessica: Well at least I haven't been running in and out of the bathroom all day. [To Goneril] Your sister's a crystal meth addict!

Goneril (lunging): No one attacks my sister!

Regan (running to the bathroom): Sick! Sick! Oh, I'm sick!

Goneril (aside, with a smile): No one attacks her. Except me.

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