Ask the Experts

The pentagon still claims it knows nothing about the mystery plume/missile trail that appeared Monday night off the coast of California. Personally, I'm leaning toward "UFO," but I thought I should ask the experts before deciding for sure. After all, 16th-century folk were much more open to alternative extraterrestrial explanations than we are. So, what do you all think?

Puck: Looks like someone finally caught me on film. This is gonna look awesome on my Facebook page.

Caliban: Your master lets you have a Facebook page? Man, you're so lucky. My master sucks.

[Caliban spontaneously combusts.]

Prospero: What a pity. Now, as I was about to say, this "mystery plume" could be a case of novice wizardry gone awry. Once, back in 1561 when I was at a magician's retreat at Lake Como, a lightning bolt got away from me. Hoo-boy, you only need that to happen once to learn your lesson. Trust me.

Weird Sister #1: Heh, heh, heh.

Prospero: Pardon me?

Weird Sister #2: How's that missing testicle treating you, old man?

Prospero: My...? Now, see here, you sorry, bearded excuses for women, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Gloucester: Wait a minute! You ladies wouldn't happen to have an eyeball or two on you, would you?

Weird Sister #3: Did somebody say ball??

[Weird Sisters dissolve into hysterical laughter. Literally.]

Gloucester: Wait! Come back! Come back! Please! Prospero: Good God, man, have some self-respect. Now, as I was about to say, there can be many causes for a phenomenon such as this one, including natural gas effects and— Miller: As greet as it had been a thonder-don, this Nicholas anon leet fle a fart! Prospero: Excuse me. This is everyday Shakespeare, not everyday Chaucer. Who let you in here? [The sounds of the Weird Sisters' cackling fills the air] Prospero: That's it! Next time you want me for one of your amateur-hour panels, you'll have to go through my agent!