Magic Shake-Ball

Question: "My boyfriend is super-hot, and he says he'll love me forever, but he's a vampire. Should I sleep with him if it means becoming undead?"
--Bella
Forks, Washington

Answer: "Why this is strange. Go call the Abbess hither.
I think you are all mated, or stark mad."
(Comedy of Errors, 5.1.281-282)

Well, Bella, it sounds like Shakespeare is telling you that if you mate with this guy, you might go mad. On the other hand, he might be telling you that if you don't go for it, you'll go crazy. Shakespeare likes his double meanings. But the whole "call the Abbess hither" thing has a serious whiff of Catholic caution to it. Given that this guy is a vampire, you might want to steer clear. Nothing ruins the mood more than having your boyfriend explode into tiny pieces if he comes near a crucifix. At the very least, make sure to discuss religion before making a commitment to him to make sure you're on the same page. Good luck!