Ask the Experts

5 Tips for Mitt

By Claudius, King of Denmark

I have watched with dismay over the past two days as Lord Romney has dug himself into a public relations sink hole. I, Claudius, am no stranger to such challenges. Therefore, I now offer up my tips to Lord Romney in the hopes that he can save himself, his campaign, and the .01% of his country that he rightfully wishes to protect from the scrambling hands of the lazy, unlearned American mob.

1) Know your audience

Before any public speaking event, I make sure to do a background check on every single person in the court. I know where they live, where they bought their codpieces, how well they hold their ale, you name it. There is no way anyone with a hidden quill could have gotten into any of my events. And if they had, and they dared write it down, he'd be on the first boat to England.


2) Go ahead and loathe them, but never underestimate the power of the masses

Of course the masses are a sentimental, ignorant, and lazy lot. They all supported Young Hamlet in spite of the fact that he was a fat, melancholic intellectual. Why? Who knows. The point is, they nearly ruined me until I figured out how to get him shipped out of the country. Sure, I wanted to kill him, but I would have paid for it.

3) Use your wife

Never underestimate the draw of an ample bosom and an angelic visage. I never give a speech without Gertrude by my side. It makes everyone feel okay about "transition."

4) Fake empathy even if you don't give a rat's ass

You think I cared that my brother was dead? I hated that pompous ass. Would I ever say that in front of any group? Would I ever say a word about the deadbeat Danish masses? No. You act like you feel their pain. There's a reason I'm King and you're still on the Fox News circuit.

5) Outsource, outsource, outsource

Don't just ship jobs and savings accounts overseas. Try shipping people. And use your friends in foreign countries to do your dirty work for you. Works like a charm.