Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Ask the Experts

Dear Signor Santorum:

Greetings from my island nation! I trust that this message finds you well, and that you are continuing your valiant fight against everyone who does not look like you or I.

My spright-slave informs me that you have recently returned from your campaign in the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico. I pray that your time spent there with the dark-skinned nonsense-speakers left you unscathed.

I write to offer you my support, but also to give you this warning. I heard of your demand that the natives of Puerto Rico speak English first in exchange for their freedom. But hear me, Signor: 'Tis not always best to teach those beneath you your language. For, in so doing, you teach them how to curse and challenge.

I know that you are a man of great sagacity; you rail against places of higher learning, wisely protecting them from the common man. Do not encourage the underlings of your island colony to speak the language of your leaders. While I have access to a library full of magical spells designed to silence and imprison such creatures, I fear that you may only use mortal means to suppress the unclean rabble.

Carry on, Signor!

Your friend,

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