Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Ask the Experts

A Pox on Your GOPocalypse!

By FoxNews Guest Commentator Prospero di Milano

The results of yesterday's Republican primaries leave no doubt that all is well with the Grand Old Party. Predictions of a GOPocalypse by the left-wing liberal media have shown themselves to be nothing but gossamer on a fairy's wings. Sir Romney handily won the majority of votes from white gentlemen earning more than $100,000 a year. All is well. And if I cared to traffic in the democratic process that you Americans find so compelling, then I, too, would have cast my vote for this fine representative of animal cruelty (hear, hear!) and exclusive, high-end property ownership.

That said, I do have some words of advice for Sir Romney. His opponent, Sir Santorum, has many worthy ideas that he should take up in order to ensure victory. Sir Santorum shares my conviction that we must stop the sentimental belief in maternal safety and instead focus on how best to control her progeny. When I came upon my current Island, I quickly killed the only inhabitant's mother and enslaved her monstrous offspring for my own purposes. This is a highly effective way to become lord and master of all you survey.

As for one's own offspring, I also share Sir Santorum's belief that public schools are a waste: children should only be educated by their parents. There are far too many infectious ideas out there, and it is every patriarchs duty to protect his children from them while filling their minds with proper notions of right and wrong. My daughter Miranda listens to me at all times and has never had an idea of her own. This is as it should be. I might also note that she has no mother and that this makes my job infinitely easier. In fact, Sir Romney should consider taking Sir Santorum's ideas to the next level by joining me in a call for a Mater-pocalypse!

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