Homebaked Shakespeare

Epithalamion for Kim Kardashian

[on Occasion of her Very Short Marriage]

adapted from the original by Edmund Spenser

Open the McMansion gates unto my love,
Open them wide that she may enter in,
And all the posts adorn as doth behoove,
And all the pillars deck with garlands trim,
For to receive this Saint with honor due,
That commeth in on high-heeled shoe,
With trembling steps and humble reverence,
She commeth in, before the camera's view,
Of her ye virgins learn (cough!) obedience,
When so ye come into those holy places,
To humble your proud faces
Bring her up to th'high altar that she may,
The sacred ceremonies there partake,
The which do endlesse matrimony fake,
And let the roaring Organs loudly play;
The praises of the Lord and the NBA in lively notes,
The whiles with hollow throats.
Earth, Wind, and Fire the joyous Antheme sing,
Whilst Ladies do admire the bridal bling.