Ask the Experts

Rick Perry has been getting slammed by his Republican opponents for his executive order mandating the HPV vaccination for sixth-grade girls in Texas. The vaccination has been proven to reduce the risk of cervical cancer in girls and women who might otherwise have contracted the cancer-causing virus. If you don't want government interfering in your life, though, then, hey, what's a few hundreds of thousands of lives saved when you could be out shooting something or taking all of your untaxed income and using it to pay for your uninsured heart surgery?

But this isn't about what I think. Let's ask the experts. Vaccination mandate: yay or nay?

Prospero: My daughter doesn't need a vaccine, because I can work my own magic. Trust me, she isn't going anywhere.

Shylock: Dream on, David Blaine. They all figure out a way to escape eventually.

Brabantio: Ain't that the truth.

Shylock: And once they do, I say let them reap what they sow.

King Lear: I can't believe that this upstanding governor wants to use the coin of the realm to pay for something that will encourage girls to have sex. As a father of three daughters, I have to say that this is the craziest idea I've ever heard. And I know crazy.

Goneril: Nice, dad. Where was all of that righteous logic when you decided to name me after a venereal disease?

King Lear: I named you after my mother.

Goneril: I rest my case.

King Lear: Hear me, goddess, Nature, hear! Rip the womb from this harlot! Smash flat the seeds of—

Regan: Great job, Goneril. Now we're back to square one. Guess who's having him over for Thanksgiving now? Let me give you a hint: not me.

Michele: I will tell you that I had a mother last night come up to me here in Tampa, Florida, after the debate. She told me that her little daughter took that vaccine, that injection, and she suffered from mental retardation thereafter.

Regan: Did you just call me retarded?

Prospero: Who is this lovely creature? Take me to your magical land of Tampa, ye raven-haired goddess.

Goneril: Just watch out for his magic stick....unless you've had the shot!

[Goneril and Regan dissolve into hysterical laughter]

Regan: Good one, Gonorrhea! Listen, I say we fob the old man off on Cordelia for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then we can par-tay for a month!