Ask the Experts

Thank God Mike Huckabee is turning the political spotlight away from all that boring stuff happening in the Middle East and onto what really matters: Pregnant single mothers like Natalie Portman who are threatening to take over the planet with their alien spawn. Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't mention the real crime here, which is that she's going to birth Luke and Leia and they're going to end up kissing in "Star Wars" and that is gee-ross and incestuous.

Anyway, I think it's time to ask the experts about this: How big of a danger are Natalie Portman and her whorish kind?

Prospero: Obviously her father never should have let her go outside to begin with. My daughter has never even seen a man besides me, and if she did, I'd just eliminate him.

Caliban: Like what you did to my mother, you colonialist asshole?

Prospero: Now, see, this is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. His mother was a witchy single mother ho-bag, and look at him. He's nothing but a blight and a burden on this otherwise utopian world.

Caliban: Oh, really? And who do you think is going to carry your wood for you and do all your other shitty chores for you if I weren't here? Put that in your magic rod and smoke it, Mr. Repressive State Apparatus.

Prospero: I have no idea what he's talking about.

Caliban: Althusser!

Prospero: Gesundheit.

Weird Sister: I think we're all overlooking an important point here. If it weren't for single mothers there wouldn't be any bastard babies for me to use. You think I just snap my fingers and the magic happens?

Prospero: Well, that's how it works for me. Then again, I grew up in a household with a mother and a father who were married.

Juliet: Why are you all being so rigid and nasty? Natalie is in love. She conceived her baby in love. And her boyfriend is going to marry her and be true to her forever because they are in love. He taught her how to dance and be free and he's French and sexy and in love and you're just jealous of what they have!

Weird Sister: Didn't he jilt his live-in girlfriend to be with her?

Juliet: I hate you all!