Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ask the Experts

Well, there's only one way to counter Caroline's claim that being a third child is worse than being an Only. She leaves me no choice but to ask the experts.

The Truth About Birth Order

by Antipholus of Syracuse and Antipholus of Ephesus from The Comedy of Errors

My identical twin brother and I have a lot of say about the subject of birth order. Especially when ill-faced women whine about how hard their lives have been as a result of it.

You say it's hard to have a wardrobe full of clothes when there's no one else to play with? Well, boo hoo. And you, the other lady, you're upset that your sister is living the high life in Hollywood? At least you know where she is.

That's right. I'll tell you about difficult birth order since neither of you seems to know anything about it. Let's talk about being born at the exact same time! Did I mention the part about living as a half person until a freak coincidence reunites you with your supposedly dead twin brother? Did I mention that it really sucks to be twins who are separated at birth who then become fodder for slapstick encounters that mock their actual psychological crises?

Obviously, you are not familiar with our story or with the other classic tale of separated twins, Disney's remake of The Parent Trap. You dissembling harlots should think about spending some time getting to know the brilliant work of Lindsay Lohan. But it would be so like the both of you to ignore Li-Lo in her darkest hour, now wouldn't it?

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