Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Ask the Experts

Dear Ghost of Shakespeare,

I really need some advice. I’m going to Stratford tomorrow for an “authentic” Shakespeare experience, but I’m not sure about what’s real and what’s not. Is this really your birthplace? Why is there a Falstaff-themed haunted house? Any insights would be much appreciated.

Your fan,

Michelle from Boston

Dear Michelle from Boston,

It is my great pleasure to respond to your eloquent inquiry. Yes, you have every reason to wonder about authenticity, as there are those who like to put “scare quotes” around everything attributed to me and my life. His “birthplace.” The plays “written” by him. The “official” Shakespeare bobble-head doll.

As a matter of fact, everything in Shakespearean Stratford is real. Note that I did not put scare quotes around “real.”

All the herbs in the Shakespeare herb garden are mine; I eat the Shakespeare dinner specials at the local pubs, and I am closely affiliated with all of the homes and cottages featured on the Stratford Shakespeare tour. As a matter of fact, I drive the tour bus myself.

If you purchase a stuffed Shakespeare doll it will be just like having me in your home. It will be the exact same thing. Also, I use Shakespeare bottle openers as well as Shakespeare trivets.

Hope this clears things up.


William Shakespeare
Bard, Bus Driver, and Taker of Visa, MasterCard, and American Express


  1. I have a relative with bathroom wallpaper (as if that's not bad enough) that has your quotes all over it- you made the wallpaper then too? It's really tacky dude.

  2. I take it that you are an American and don't recognize a period piece when you see one? That wallpaper is an antique, made from the so-called "missing" first drafts of all of my plays. I added the plots later.

    Take that, dude.

    Fondly, WS