Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Ask the Experts

"I love my children. I hate my life." That's the sunshine and light headline to this week's New York Magazine. As my friend Andrea said before sending me the link, make sure you're drinking a margarita before you start reading it.

My question (after: "How did New York Magazine get that picture of me on their cover without my permission?") is: When are people going to stop funding studies about us tired, stressed, overweight parents that are designed to prove that we are: 1) tired ; 2) stressed; and 3) overweight?

Come on, people, move along. No need to slow down to eyeball the traffic accident. Honestly. Run along now and go fund a useful study on--say-- fried clam consumption and weight-gain, or on the physics of the "missing socks" black hole, or on Why it is men can rule the free world but most of them can't navigate iParty when it's time to make the goody bags?

At least I can take comfort in knowing that these kind of "proving the obvious" parenting studies have been around for centuries. Take, for example, these recently unearthed gems from the archives of Shakespeare's time:

From the Lady Macbeth Institute of Lactational Studies:
May 12, 1603: Breastfeeding makes you really cranky, resentful, and possibly homicidal.

From the King Lear Foundation for the Patriarchically Challenged:
June 15, 1598: Showing your children no love and then expecting them to take care of you when you need your diapers changed likely results in homelessness, insanity, and definitely no invites for Christmas dinner.

From the Inverness Institute of Co-Dependent Parenting:
September 8, 1600: Living through your children from beyond the grave and expecting them to fix all of your fuck-ups leads to perpetual limbo and a permanent loss of genetic perpetuity.

From the Capulet Center for the Study of Adolescent Discipline:
December 10, 1594: If you tell your teenager that she can't do something, she will rebel. And have sex. And take drugs. And the whole city will find out about it.

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