Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Ask the Experts

The Birds and the Bees

My five-year-old, a man of few words, finally got around to asking me how babies get out of their moms the other day. I told him. His little face registered genuine surprise, and then he took a few beats before delivering his follow-up question: "What if you're wearing pants?"

You just never know how the novelty of this information is going to play. I guess it all depends on the audience.

So I started wondering about how Shakespeare's characters would handle the classic "Birds and the Bees" talk. Let's listen in, shall we?


Juliet: Mother, where do babies come from?
Lady Capulet: You sneeze, and then the next day you find a baby in your purse.

Mamillius: Father, how did you make me?
Leontes: Why? Did you hear something? Maybe you should ask that whore mother of yours if I made you! Better yet, let's throw her in the river and see if she floats! Why are you crying? You know who always used to cry? That milkman who used to come around here seven and a half years ago. Do you like milk, boy? Do you? Do you?!

Hamlet: Mother, how does the baby get out of its mother?
Gertrude: I have the video right here! Let's watch!
Hamlet: Uh, that's okay. I have homework.

Little King Lear: Father, how do you make a baby?
Little Lear's Dad: You come home from war, tackle your wife, and nine months later you have a man-child.
Little Lear: How do you have a daughter?
Lear's Dad: Don't worry. It'll never happen.


  1. If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd be writing episodes of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Here's a summary of an episode where a woman gives birth in her pants: