Ask the Experts

It's that time-of-the-year again: that special day when fathers get to open their gifts of golf-themed ties, fishing-reel clocks, and BBQ equipment. Some day, thousands of years from now, future civilizations will look back on these piles of stuff and think that all fathers did in the 21st century was wake up, hit shit with sticks, and then grill it up. Which, come to think of it, sounds like a great idea for a Guys' Utopian Inn and Theme Park.

Every year this is the holiday that stumps me. I hate unoriginal gift-giving, but this is all we're offered. How many nice pens can one guy use?

It's time to ask our Shakespearean fathers for some ideas. Maybe they'll inspire me. And don't forget to take our quiz at the bottom of this page: What Kind of Shakespearean Dad Are You?

CB: So, guys, what are some of the best gifts your kids ever got you?

Leontes: If by "my kids" you mean "the small people birthed by my wife who live under my roof," then I wouldn't know about any gifts from them. I banned Father's Day from my Kingdom because it's a sucker's holiday. But if you insist on celebrating it, then I'd suggest giving your husband a do-it-yourself DNA kit. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

King Lear: Actually, Father's Day was a National Holiday in my kingdom. My, what a time we had! All of the fathers sat around all day while their daughters served them. Or was that Dress-Down Fridays? Or every Wednesday? Oh, well, the point is, Father's Day is a perfect opportunity to remind children where they stand. And that cake is a nummy treat that tastes even better when your daughter spoon-feeds it to you.

Hamlet, Sr.: I woudn't know about that since my manly loins only generate sons. My Hamlet once wrote me a poem for Father's Day that I still have framed: "Roses are red, Blood is too, Why did you have me, Adieu, world, adieu."

Shylock: Who are you calling "Jew"?

Hamlet, Sr.: Pardon me?

Shylock: Pardon you? Easy for you to say! You spit on me and expect me to pardon you?

Hamlet, Sr.: Little man, I've never seen you before in my life.

CB: Okay, guys, let's stay on topic, okay? Shylock, did Jessica ever give you a memorable Father's Day Gift? Shylock? Can someone give Shylock a hankie?

Baptista Minola: My daughter Kate once gave me a black eye. You can't beat that for originality.

CB: Well, thanks for the tips, dads. I'll let you know what I come up with.