Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Ask the Experts

Michelle and I both seem to have age-defying lotions on our minds. It just so happens that I'm going to my 25th high school Reunion in a few weeks and they're going to be projecting my face on the assembly hall screen as I give an inspirational five-minute luncheon speech. This seems very cruel. Why don't they just make me shake my upper arms for the crowd and be done with it?

I think this calls for an emergency consultation with Shakespeare's aging mothers. Surely they'll have good advice on how to handle wrinkles gracefully. Ladies?

Cleopatra: I never leave the house without my smoke and mirrors. Oh, and that little eunuch with the fan. Nothing says "old" like sweat-caked face powder.

Hermione: But you shouldn't be ashamed of your wrinkles! I happen to have a lot of experience with the potential trauma of reunions. I didn't see my husband for 16 years and he definitely noticed the wrinkles, but that didn't stop him from wanting me. On the other hand, it wasn't like he was going to get any action from anyone else what with the curse of Apollo on him and all, so I definitely had the home-court advantage there.

Gertrude: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Breastfeeding is the best way to prevent aging. My Hamlet still comes home for a quick top-off when he can get away from his studies and --look at me!--I have the skin of a teenager.

Volumnia: Amen, sister.

Cleopatra: Excuse me while I lose my lunch.

Duchess of York: That whole "nursing keeps you looking young" argument is a crock. My son Richard was a hell-child from the moment he ripped his way out of my body until the day he died and, let me tell you, I aged thirty years helping that toothy monster survive his first month.

Hermione: Well, I preserved myself to see my precious daughter once again. She kept me young.

Lady Capulet: That's because you didn't have to live with her through the early teen years. Talk about an early grave! Sure, Juliet's dead, but at least she got to go looking fresh. Do you think I'm ever getting my glow back?

Cleopatra: Lady C., step into my pyramid and let me give you some tips. You've earned it, hon.

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