Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ask the Experts

Ever since I put my house on the market last week, I feel like I'm pregnant again. Total strangers feel it's their duty to offer me unsolicited advice on home-selling and buying. I was accosted by a realtor at an Open House last weekend who started grilling me about why I would want to buy a home in *that* area, and why I would want to use the realtor I was using.

Okay, crazy lady. You made your point. Now let me go free to continue down my dark, depressing condo-hunting hole.

For the record, I would also like to make the use of fishing metaphors illegal: "Any bites?" "Any nibbles?" Who am I-- freaking Captain Ahab? No. No one is biting or nibbling at my beautifully staged, totally unique home. Although they could have taken a dip in my back yard last week.

My question for the Shakespearean experts this week is: How do you handle the stress of moving, real estate, and nosy strangers (not necessarily in that order)?

William S.: First of all, home ownership is overrated. I ditched my wife and kids in the suburbs and have been renting a delightful room in London. It's much more fun. Trust me.

Lady Macbeth: Easy for you to say. Let's ask Macduff's wife how that turned out for her, shall we? Oh, wait. We can't. Because she was skewered by a band of thugs after her husband ditched her in the suburbs.

Othello: When you say "strangers," are you perchance referring to people who are pretending they have no connection to your loved ones but are actually sleeping with your spouse?

King Lear: I agree with William. Home ownership is grossly overrated. That's why I plan on passing my estate down to my daughters and living with them.

Goneril: That's a great idea, Dad. Listen, why don't you start with Regan, because, you know, she has that really comfortable extra pallet in her guest room and we're remodeling our castle right now.

Hamlet: God, you're all such a bunch of bourgeois materialistic pretenders, you make me want to kill myself.

Claudius: Be my guest.


  1. First of all, I love the whole concept of this blog!

    And the "experts" answers on homeownership is hilarious. Especially Hamlet and Claudius.

    And good luck with the condo-hunting!

  2. All my world's a staged house, ban the infants
    mewling and puking, kick the whining school-boy out the back door...I'll take any buyer -- sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything save an all-cash offer.