Ask the Experts

Danielle H. from Boston, MA asks:

"I saw my neighbor back into my parked car and then drive away. He didn't know I'd seen him do it, and he did damage the bumper. How should I approach him?"

Well, Danielle, we thought we should bring in some experts familiar with the fine points of the Law to help answer this one. So here's Portia of Balthazar, Balthazar & Bellario, LLP; Titus, Roman general, experienced avenger, and patriarch of the Andronici clan; and King Lear (who probably shouldn't be here, but who we hear is giving away real estate if you're willing to suck up to him). Panelists?

Portia: Ethically speaking, your neighbor should own up to what happened. Legally speaking, if you don't have a record of the event, then he isn't bound to come forward.

Lear: Does your father know what you're doing?

Portia: Excuse me?

Lear: Don't listen to this unnatural plague-sore, Danielle. She'd eat her own young.

Titus: I can take care of that for you, if you'd like. How do you feel about pot pie?

Portia: Don't you two have an early-bird special to get to? As I was saying, Danielle, it's all about hard evidence. Now, if you have an insurance policy, they likely will cover the cost even without your neighbor coming forward. However, you may want to examine the fine print: if your policy covers damage to the "car"--this may not include the surrounding bumpers.

Titus: Look, Danielle, let me make this easy for you. He damaged your bumper, you cut off his ass. What's this guy's address?

Lear: No, no, no no!

Titus: Well what would you do, genius?

Lear: Howl, howl, howl!

Titus: Can we get some bottled water here?

Lear: Never, never, never, never, never, never!

Portia: Good luck, Danielle.