Friday, December 6, 2013

Homebaked Shakespeare

Dear Mr. Moyer:

Thank you for your cold-blooded portrayal of Captain von Trapp in last night’s live broadcast of “The Sound of Music.”  I always suspected that the Captain was a vampire, which would explain a lot: like why he gets off on boning nuns, but hates picnics in the Alpine sunshine with his children. Think about it. As one who knows a thing or two about living forever, I can
recognize the signs of immortality.

I have recently completed a vampire version of the musical entitled “The Hills are Undead,” and am actively seeking investors who would like to be a part of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I immediately thought of you. 

Imagine, if you will, the exquisitely prolonged sexual tension of Leisl’s “I am Sixteen going on Sixteen”; or the horrifying scene in which Maria stumbles on the corpse of an eyeless goatherd and discovers the truth behind little Brigitta’s “sore finger.”

I am including one of my original re-writes here for your consideration. It is sung by Captain von Trapp in the gazebo after Maria leaves him for a werewolf.

I look forward to hearing from you.

William S.

My Favorite Things

Blood-drops on bed sheets and babies in baskets;
Upside-down crosses and bright copper caskets;
Sunsets and Nazis all tied up with string—
These are a few of my favorite things!

Cream-colored shoulders and crispy aortas;
Halloween kiddies who trip on my gourd-ahs;
Basements and bats with the moon on their wings—
These are a few of my favorite things!

Girls in white dresses with big bleeding gashes;
Plasma that sticks to my nose and eyelashes;
Living forever but never aging—
These are a few of my favorite things!

When the stake pounds,
When the priest hounds,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad!

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