Friday, February 15, 2013

Homebaked Shakespeare

Valentine's Day Cards That Didn't Make It Into the First Folio

Hey, Ophelia!

I'd like to "lap" you up.


*for the crossroads where they bury suicides
**For the "nothing" that lies between your legs


For My Wife:

I'm writing this with the blood of an executed traitor. I trust you will refrain from speaking with any more men. Happy Valentine's Day.

King Leontes of Sicilia


My Dearest Juliet:

You are the dew on my universe, the garter to my hose. Also, 'tis possible I got the French Pox from Rosalind. Hie thee hither to Friar Laurence's back door where ye shall find some Valentine's Day ointment!

Love, love, love!


For My Husband:

I'm writing this with the blood of your daughter's placenta. Happy Valentine's Day!

Your most righteous wife,

p.s. I'm going away on a trip for a long time. There's a lasagna is in the freezer.

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