An Open Letter to Sir Mittianus Romney from King Henry VIII, Head of the Church of England and the Realm, and Original Master Binder of Women
Never before would we waste our time addressing a citizen from the lower 99.47% of our realm, but we must make an exception in this case. We will even drop the royal we because it has become tiresome to me.
I am easily given to fits of boredom and have run out of choice entertainments and delectable sweetmeats of late to sate my appetite. Most of my players, wenches, and cooks have lost their heads for failing to excite me any longer.
But you, Sir Mittianus, have pleased me. I watched you sparring yesternight with that Moorish pretender while gnawing on an unexceptionable leg of mutton, and found your performance to be a spicy distraction. I was especially pleased by your binder full of women. I keep mine by my golden chamberpot and have passed many a pleasant hour thereupon picking my future wives.
Huzzah! I expect you will continue to please me this coming Monday. If not, you may expect a visit from my royal executioner.
Carry on,
King Henry VIII
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