Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Ask the Experts

Dara-Lynn Weiss put her 7-year-old daughter on a diet to lose 16 pounds and wrote about it in Vogue this month. Now she has a big fat book deal (pun intended). We decided to ask the experts what they think about Weiss's actions.

Take it away, panelists.

Gertrude: What mother wouldn't want to control her child's eating habits? I, for one, breastfed my Hammy until he went off to Wittenberg. I still send him a little in Care Packages--you can never be too careful with all of those dorm germs, and I want to keep his immune system in tip-top shape.

Lady Macbeth: Ha!

Gertrude: Excuse me?

Lady Macbeth: [feigning a sneeze] "fathamlet!"

Hermione: God bless you.

Lady Capulet: I don't see anything wrong with guiding one's daughter when it comes to these matters. My Juliet was a bit pudgy when she was 10, and I told her that no worthy suitor would ever be interested in her should she remain so. Now she throws up every night, and you should see the handsome men who are coming to call!

Ursula the Pig Woman: That's offensive.

Lady Capulet: Excuse me, but I believe you're looking for the Ben Jonson Blog. This is everydayshakespeare.

Ursula: I don't give a rat's ass.

Hermione: Now, I don't see why we can't be inclusive here, ladies. We have room for all body types here.

Lady Macbeth: That's rich coming from a woman who pretended to be dead for 16 years —probably so that she could go on some freaky cleanse diet.

Hermione: Did you even read Winter's Tale? You don't know what you're talking about!

Lady Macbeth: Oooh, I'm so depressed you called me a bully I'm going to go home and starve myself until someone notices me.

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