Friday, December 23, 2011

Homebaked Shakespeare

Homebaked Hannukah

By Shylock

Once again, my ungrateful daughter is begging me to buy her an expensive social media device for Hannukah. I tell her the same thing every year: stop being meshuganah and go lock up the windows!

Because my plan to enforce some father-daughter bonding by making latkes together didn’t work so well, I’ve had to think of other ways to make sure my daughter doesn’t keep reaching out to the goyim. Can I turn her into an obedient young lady who only enjoys the company of her father and that of select eligible Jewish bachelors? Well, let’s just say that this would be a true Hannukah Miracle.

But I’ve got a very special Homebaked gift that might just do the trick. Using colored construction paper, staples, and a box of old photos, I created a “Jessica’s Bat Mitzvah Book,” featuring close-ups of Jessica, age 13, with her braces and acne. There is also a whole section devoted to the month when Jessica tried to feather her naturally frizzy hair. When I give it to Jess later, I will explain that my friend Shmuli has a copy on his hard drive and knows how to turn it into an ebook. But “Jessica’s Bat Mitzvah Book” will never leave our house as long as she herself doesn’t run off.

Parents, I will let you know how this goes. In the meantime, please send along your own Homebaked ideas for controlling the wild Jewish youth of today. I look forward to hearing your stories!

Happy Hannukah!!!!!!!!

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