Ask the Experts

Special EDS Correspondent Richard III reports from Perugia on the Amanda Knox verdict:

"Now is the winter of her discontent made glorious summer for 24-year-old Amanda Knox, the American woman accused of killing her British roommate in 2007. An Italian jury overturned Knox's previous conviction citing flawed DNA evidence, leaving her free to return home to Seattle. Knox was said to be playing on the guitar in a chapel as she awaited the verdict, and then burst into tears when the judge set her free.

Well, good for you, Amanda Knox. Just do me a favor, and don't go patting yourself on the back for escaping the law. Because in 2011 that's a piece of cake.

Now let me tell you a little bit about how we roll back here in 1485. For one thing, if you want to get away with something BIG, you have to do a hell of a lot more than cry "tampered evidence!" You have to tamper with it yourself, and that's no small feat— I mean challenge. No small challenge. I don't have small feet. Stop looking at me like that! I know where you live.

Anyhow, where was I? Ah, yes. Take, for example, my brilliant scheme to plant a prophesy that someone with a "G" initial was going to kill the King, my brother, that pussy-whipped caperer Edward. Voilà! My other brother, the Duke of George, ends up dead in a malmsey butt! Why are you smirking at me? Because I used a French word? Look, I'm no Frenchie-lover. Got it? You know who is? That lily-livered half-wit Richmond, that's who. That's right—Mr. "I can save the English monarchy" is in France. Probably eating French fries and playing love songs on the guitar like that slacker Knox while he's hump—I mean, screwing some poxy strumpet. What are you looking at? This is a shoulder pad, alright? I SAID IT'S A SHOULDER PAD!! Oh, yeah? You think so? Well why don't you come on over here and see for yourself, you —"

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