Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ask the Experts

My Soliloquies Are Good For Everyday Use

By William Shakespeare

Many people tell me that they like my work but have trouble understanding the words I’m using. Also, they complain that my soliloquies do not relate to real life in any way that makes them give any sort of a crap.

My response to this? Bah! If you give my profound speeches the proper glossing, they are most ripe for your pathetic suburban existence.

Example A: “To be or not to be” (Hamlet)


I definitely don’t like the way my life is going.
And I need to figure out what to do and make some decisions.
It’s just that every option seems to suck in its own way.

Example B: “Hast not a Jew eyes?” (The Merchant of Venice)


You think you’re better than me?
Newsflash: You’re not.
In fact, if there’s anything bad about me, it’s only ‘cause I got it from you.

Example C: “Out damn spot!” (Macbeth)


I thought this major life change was going to make me happy.
But it didn’t.
Now I feel like every little detail is making me crazy.
Does that ever happen to you?

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