Homebaked Shakespeare

There's one thing on my mind this weekend and that's Harry Potter. HP7 in 3D, to be precise. I've got my tickets for Sunday afternoon.

In the meantime, I've been soaking up every word of press about the movie, the crazed fans, all that good stuff. As always, I'm freaked out and fascinated by people who do the Harry Potter fanfic thing. Inspired by them, I've homebaked my own fan fic: a top ten list of Harry Potter "splinched" into Shakespeare plots (or is it the other way around?).

10)Harry and Hermione discover that they are twins separated at birth, but only after sexually-charged, cross-dressing high jinx happens with Ginny and Ron. (Comedy of Errors and Twelfth Night)

9)At the annual Triwizard Tournament, the three student contestants must choose one casket each from the three that are presented to them. One contains a picture of a dragon. The other two contain actually dragons, who will promptly attack and kill the two unfortunate students who have chosen them.

8)Mr. and Mrs. Weasley decide to leave The Burrow to the Weasley child who loves them the best. (King Lear)

7)Fleur Delacoeur cannot get married to George until her bratty little sister, Gabrielle, also marries a Weasley. (Taming of the Shrew)

6)Luna Lovegood meets three witches who tell her about their cruel behavior. She is inspired to become a Wiccan who advocates for world peace. (Macbeth)

5)Mad-Eye Moody swears that he will never marry . . . until he meets Beatrice, a new teacher at Hogwarts who specializes in Muggle Feminism and French literary theory. (Much Ado About Nothing)

4)Voldemort is Harry's stepdad. After Harry's dad appears in a ghostly vision, Harry steals a Pensieve from his headmaster at school and confirms that Voldemort is guilty of his dad's murder. Also, Harry sees that Voldemort was once really good looking, which may explain why his mum giggles like a delirious schoolgirl in his presence. (Hamlet)

3)Ron Weasley has gone absolutely mad and relocated to an otherwise deserted island. His only companion is Quaffle, a Quidditch ball. (The Tempest and Castaway)

2)The snake Nagini gets eaten by a bear, and it's totally hilarious. (The Winter's Tale)

1) Harry and Hermione are shipwrecked as children. They are both beautiful and tan. After they have innocent sex, Hermione gives birth to Dobby. (Twelfth Night and The Blue Lagoon)