Shakespeare at Large

Dear Mr. Shakespeare:

I'm writing to seek your advice. As you may have heard, I am an extremely well-endowed man who is currently being mocked by the public because of my name.

I understand that you have experienced a similar problem with your name and am hoping that you can sext—I mean text— me some ideas for how to make it stop.

Yours,

Anthony Wiener

Dear Mr. Whiner:

You can't make it stop. I got over it by writing sonnets about my willy and getting suckers to read it at their weddings and write dissertations about it for the next four hundred years. Try it sometime.

Yours,

Will "Baby You Can Shake My Spear"