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Check out "Willslist,", our new piece for McSweeney's today.
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willslist.
BY CAROLINE BICKS AND MICHELLE EPHRAIM
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Wed Nov. 17

FOR SALE/WANTED

Miscellaneous high-end household items
– King-size Serta Perfect Sleeper mattress. Has one large Hawaiian Punch stain, can be covered by sheets no big deal.
– Two 10-inch Wusthöf Butcher Knives. SHARPPPP.
– Woman's white silk appliqué nightgown w/pomegranate juice splatter (spots won't come out, but still worth a look)

Email for prices: LadyMac@IMqueen.gov

Awesome Hoodie!!!!
One XS super-expensive Juicy Couture hoodie. Worn only once! Pink tie-dye with rainbow sequins on sleeves. "Jessica's Bat Mitzvah" on back. Call me!!!! 555-YAY-XMAS. freejessica@shylockshouse.com

Treasured Handkerchief Needs Identical Replacement
Desperately seeking white silk handkerchief with strawberry pattern dyed with the blood of mummified virgins. Must have magical powers. Husband will kill me if I don't have it. Seriously. This is not a joke. Desdemona@moorwife.com

Junior Girl's Dress, size small. Looks heavy but isn't... trust me
LOTS of beads on this Pink Gunne Sax by Jessica McClintock dress. Still too lightweight for what I need. Some water stains. $60 or whatever you want to pay. I really don't care. ophelia@elsinoreblows.com

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BARTER

Got a little somethin' somethin' for the Weird Sisters????
Are you a Turk or a Jew with nice lips and a fat liver? If you have what we want, we'll happily trade it for our children's birthday party services: singing, bobbing for thumbs, Graymalkin the talking cat, plus birthday boy/girl gets dip in "magic" smoking hot tub. Don't contact us. We'll find you.

[ALERT: this listing under investigation for potential violation of the prohibited items rules: "No blood, bodily fluids or body parts."]

Wanted: David Blaine _Buried Alive_ DVD
MUST have by Thursday morn, before the lark sings. Willing to trade for first edition of Judy Blume's Forever. Email: Juliet@killmenow.com

Designer wedding dress is yours for lucky #2
Size 0 wedding dress (classic A-line cut with lace train) to trade for size 10. Can be any style. Need not be white. QueenGertrude2@denmark.com

My Loss is Your Gain
Anybody want my virginity??!! Happy to trade it for a pint or a bauble. Ask for Bianca at the Spotted Dog Tavern, Cheapside.

Got milk?
Medela "Pump In Style" breastpump. Unused, still in box. Will trade for iphone apps or tix to VIP events. email: LadyMac@milkforgall.com

My Kingdom for a Horse
Call 1-800-HUMPBACK or email richardrules@yorkfamily.gov

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FREE
*Curb Alert* Three eunuchs
Medium build. Sick of them. Leaving them Nile-side tied to golden barge. Pick up TODAY. Will dump at 5:00pm.

Sundry college dorm items for you to supplement your bourgeois materialist existence...
– "God is Dead (Nietzsche is Dead)" Art Poster Print - 24x36
– Maximum Kurt Cobain CD
– 23 packets ramen noodles (assorted flavors)
– White Ikea shower caddy encrusted with the filmy remnants of my sullied flesh (lots of other cheap Scandinavian crap. Too much to list here.)

Come and get it before I strap myself to my TRØMSO dresser and jump off the quad belltower.

Contact Hamlet by nightfall to arrange pick-up. SlingsArrows@wittenberg.edu

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FOR RENT

Spectacular Island Getaway!
Go native! Miles and miles of beaches and new adventures to enjoy in this under-the-radar paradise. Comes with personal slave. If interested, put message in a bottle "TO: PROSPERO." Or get in a ship and start sailing. I'll get you here.

HELP! Shelter needed ASAP
Homeless king and fool companion seek hole or hovel for immediate occupancy. Recently evicted by thankless daughters. Have no money for first month's rent, but expect funds shortly from my nice daughter overseas and/or payoff from Nigerian investment boondoggle. No email access. Currently on heath, 2 leagues out from Gloucester's castle, moving West. I think.

In-law apartment—AVAILABLE NOW
Windowless apartment/dungeon just vacated by ungrateful relative. NO servants or pets allowed. And you can't use my kitchen. Last tenant was evicted for breaking rules, so don't push it. Contact Goneril at twistedsista@mycastle.com.

Castle fit for a King
Doting dad is downsizing! Off to spend my sunset years splitting time between two loving daughters. This castle has it all: updated banquet hall, master bedroom with gold chamber pot—the works. No references needed. Just tell me how much you love it and it's yours! lear@wholovesme.com

****THIS LISTING HAS EXPIRED****