Homebaked Shakespeare

Welcome Letter from the Dr. Memhet Oz School for the Dietetically Gifted:

Friends, Parents, Teachers, lend me your Elephant Ear,

I come to bury summer, not to praise it;

The evil that men eat lives after them,

The good is never left upon their bones,

So let it be with Fair Food.

Your brutish youth hath told you Snickers are delicious;

If it were so, it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath their nut-challenged peers answered it.

Here, in my role as school headmaster,

(For, yes, the school year comes;

So do they all; each September comes)

Come I to speak this welcome letter.

Your children all should bring on their first day:

Pencils (#2), two packs of twelve;

A gallon of Purell and jar of glue;

Two white binders for their cubby shelves;

And 20 pink erasers—pink, not blue.

Remember when you pack your child’s lunch

No nuts, no eggs, no berries and no gum;

No cupcakes, candy, roll-ups, Cap’n Crunch;

No gluten, carbs, or white bread--not a crumb.

We’ll see you all next week, at start of Fall;

A healthy end of summer to you all.