Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Ask the Experts

Okay, so I know all 19 of you (hi, Dad!) have been wondering why it's been a full week since I posted about the drama of the fallen tree. You've been worried, I know. You've been like Kelly Bensimon tossing and turning in her "Real Housewives" hell, rattled by paranoid fantasies--unable to sleep because you know SOMEONE IS OUT TO GET ME. I apologize. No one should have to suffer like that.

But I have good news to report: my husband posted the tree on, and a very industrious guy with a chainsaw and a desire to not pay oil bills came over, sawed it right up, and TOOK IT AWAY! How's that for a karmic ending? We didn't have to pay Stumpy's Tree Removal Service $400, bitch neighbor #2 who never returned our calls and just removed her half of the tree ended up paying big bucks, and no one nice lost a leg.

But here's the deal: there are some large branches left over that the guy couldn't use. I could lift them myself and toss them into bitch lady #1's yard (the one who actually OWNS this tree). Since it is hers, technically I'm just returning her property, right? Or am I risking a disruption in the karmic chain that I've outlined above?

To answer this perplexing set of questions, I've collected an expert panel of Shakespearean characters who all have experience with these kinds of property matters: Shylock, Goneril, Prospero, and Caliban. Take it away.

Prospero: My first question is an obvious one: Is there anyone living in the tree--perhaps a spirit that has been penned up there by an inferior sorceress awaiting its release by a Superior Being? Not that this affects the issue of tree ownership per se, but it's good to know in case you may be inadvertently releasing the creature. Which I would still own by the way.

Caliban: Shut up, old man. Do you seriously not see me sitting right here?

Prospero: I hear a buzzing noise. Does anyone else hear a buzzing noise?

Shylock: The real question is: Did you tell Mr. Freecycle that he could leave the branches behind? The terms of the agreement seemed quite clear: he was to take the tree. Now, branches are clearly part of a tree, so by leaving the branches, he violated the bond and you should track him down and take his chainsaw.

Caliban: Not if I get to it first.

Prospero: Bzzzz...buzzzz....

Goneril: I like the way you think, Shylock. I'm not a big fan of dividing things up: you get the branches, I get the trunk. It's a royal pain in the ass. Either I own it or you own it.

Prospero: Exactly! And if I'm a white European Christian male of noble descent, then I own it.

Goneril: Oh, really? How fascinating. And where did you get your law degree from: Magician Camp? Hey, is that a starter wand in your pocket, or do you just have a really tiny penis?

Shylock and Caliban (in unison): Yeah!

Prospero: Unhand me, you witch!

Goneril: I hear a buzzing noise. Do you two hear that? C'mon, boys, let's see what we can trade him for on Freecycle!

1 comment:

  1. Seems obvious to me: use the branches to build a bonfire and burn her alive. BURN HER ALIVE! The fence, too. Throw it all in! I can't believe I'm the only one suggesting this. She's more wicked than Danielle Staub, the demented bad girl housewife from NJ.