Friday, May 28, 2010

Homebaked Shakespeare

Michelle's post yesterday about fickle friendship was prescient. ( I would say "psychic," but then she would mock me for my pagan, hippie-dippy beliefs, and my mother would start worrying all over again about how she should have had me baptized.)

My plan today was to write about my kids' camp forms, which are due today. There's a section on them where you can write in the names of children that you don't want to have in your kid's group. This is called the "Un-friend" list. Good God. Really? What is this, some boot camp to train your Kindergartener for the Facebook social jungle? I just want them to learn how to canoe and make little wallets, not how to un-friend kids.

I mean, yes, we've all felt excluded (yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you, Elizabeth, from my Experience in International Living summer of 1983--not that I still care or anything), but that's part of growing up and learning how to deal with your future a-hole colleagues and neighbors.

Since today is Homebaked Shakespeare Day, I'm supposed to translate this into some kind of Shakespeare-inspired concoction. So here are some camp forms, as filled out by the parents of Shakespeare's characters:

Child: Hermia
Parent: Egeus
Allergies: Knotgrass gives her contact dermatitis.
Un-Friends: Helena
Anything you'd like us to know about your child? She should be watched at all times and is forbidden from participating in any boys' camp mixers.

Child: Hamlet
Parent: Gertrude
Allergies: Fresh air gives him hives. He is also allergic to most foods and should only eat the meals that I will be delivering to him personally every day.
Un-Friends: Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Fortinbras.
Anything you'd like us to know about your child? Hamlet is a very sensitive, intelligent child who doesn't enjoy the company of other children. He should be allowed as much "alone time" as he needs. I have advance permission from the camp co-ordinator for him to call me every hour.

Child: Richard Gloucester
Parent: Duchess of York
Allergies: If he eats any nut or nut trace, his throat will swell up and he will stop breathing. If he should happen to ingest a nut, you have my permission to wait 30 minutes before calling the paramedics.
Un-Friends: All of his brothers and the entire House of Lancaster
Anything you'd like us to know about your child? Richard is a terrible swimmer. Please make sure that he swims every day. Unsupervised.

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