Homebaked Shakespeare

Like as the waves in my old basement flow,
So does men's panic hasten up their backs,
Each one racing to Home Depot and Lowes,
Hoping to snatch up sump pumps and wet vacs.

Men who work at desks, shined loafers winking,
Tremble now the manly test to pass:
Don't screw up! The finished basement's sinking!
Do you know a sink hole from your ass?

The water heater's fritzing out--Sput-Hiss!
Grandmum's hutch is drenched, your wife is frantic!
What are those wire-like things around the furnace?
If they submerge, will you become fried man-stick?

And yet in time the water will recede:
But who did fail and which man did succeed?