Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Ask the Experts

Dear King Richard III,

My husband, a professional athlete, has been acting strangely over the last week. He's normally not an aggressive person, but right after Thanksgiving dinner, he had a freaky car incident outside our house involving a tree, a fire hydrant, and a golf club. Please advise.

--Helin Hoods (An Exclusive Gated Community, Florida)

Dear Helin,

I feel like I know your husband very well, even though I've never met him or messed in any way with his 2009 black Cadillac Escalade. Your husband sounds like an intelligent, polite, wealthy, and athletic guy with perfectly symetrical features. Someone who has no physical deformities and whose mother never condemned as a "hell-hound" who from "the kennel of [her] womb . . . crept."

Helin, you might be worried that some men were jealous of your husband and fantasized about the life they might have led as a rich professional athletic had God not cursed them with deformities that include a hunched back.

But that has nothing to do with your husband's accident, so put that thought out of your pretty head! No one would be so envious as to, for example, tamper with your husband's brakes or spike your family's cranberry sauce with Roofies. I assure you that whatever happens at your home is a private matter. But should you need guidance or comfort during this difficult time, please reach out to me. Anytime. That's what friends are for.

Sincerely yours,

King Richard III

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