Ask the Experts

Review: New Products at Starbucks

by Ophelia
Guest Contributor and Student (Elsinore High School)

Now that I’m a junior, I'm totally allowed to take my dad's car to Starbucks. I used to go with my boyfriend, Hamlet, but he’s turned into this crazy freak and isn’t talking to me or anyone else. That’s why I thought it would be good for me to write this review. Go there by myself for once.

OK, so Starbucks started out really lame. The first thing I saw was the new Pete Yorn/Scarlett Johansson CD for sale at the counter. You know Pete Yorn’s so into her even though she’s married. I'm sure that Scarlett Johansson has never been told to go to a nunnery.

But then I checked out the Ethos water. It's awesome that buying Ethos will help poor people! I bought a bottle, and it made me feel really good about myself. Then I bought a couple more to bring to my friends, which was stupid because the bottles are huge and I couldn’t fit all of them in my backpack. Then I started to get really depressed about all these huge plastic bottles and the environment so I bought the Metal Ethos Water Bottle for $15.95.

There are lots of seasonal treats at Starbucks. My current favorite is the Marshmallow Dream Bar ($1.75), which is a reduced calorie (yay!) version of the old one. The Dream Bar contains 210 calories or 2,100 calories if you buy ten of them, which I did.

And then my Starbucks review experience got all screwed up. I saw Hamlet sitting at a table with this tiny artsy chick who is one of the smoking kids. Their heads were touching, and it looked like he might be crying. Obviously he was full of crap when he told me he didn't want to date anyone and “in general didn’t believe that human relationships had the capacity to be sincere."

They were being all intense and didn’t even see me. I went up to them, really casual, and was like “Oh, looks like a party.” Then I dumped all the Marshmallow Dream Bars on their table and ran out the door. I totally did not cry until I was in my dad's Lexus.

So here’s my review: Starbucks sucks.